Here’s some helpful hints for fresh authors from my unwritten book “Stock-Sites for Dummies or How to Sell Your Soul with a Good Profit”.
So, how to avoid getting your music approved:
1. Use only GM-like sound-banks. 100Gb samples packs are for the posers.
2. Play random notes in your arrangement. Consonance is for the conformists and posers too.
3. Never use a major chord progression. Those pitiful humans don’t deserve to be happy.
4. Never use a metronome when you’re recording some live stuff.
5. It would be perfect if you’d record some vocal part in French, Irish or… any language you don’t actually speak is good.
6. Never check what the top-authors make. You already know, what kind of people are they, huh?
7. Use single watermarks instead of the loop ones, and place it through random intervals. Reviewers totally like it! (this won’t work outside AJ though)
8. Submit your music right after you’ve done it, not at the next day. “Tired ears” effect is your friend.
9. Make sure you forgot to mix that watermark with your music for the preview-file (also works with AJ only).
10. In the song’s name try to use these kind of words: “vintage”, “old-fashioned”, “oldies”, “obsolete”, “cacophony”, “atonal”. When the reviewers see such words, they usually don’t even listen to this item, so it’s a good chance for you.
11. Also, using lowercase and uppercase letters in a random order iS a GOOd WaY to show your creativity.
12. Never use the tags that actually describe your music. For example, for your death-black-metal 25-min. track the most appropriate tags would be like “positive”, “motivational”, “corporate”, “easy listening”, “happy” etc.
13. If none of the above work (how is that?? you sure you’ve tried p.5?), go to a local forum and create topics like “You don’t know anything about a real music, you, pathetic losers” and “All the reviewers will be burning in hell”. Be angry and hysterical. Insult people around you. You will be rewarded, that’s for sure!
You forgot one important thing:
14. Steal and copy all you can, it’s perfectly fair to add the loop of your favourite song all the way, let’s say…”We will rock you” from Queen and the vocal track of any song by Cristina Aguilera.
And of course, tell the reviewers it’s all composed and created by you, and only you !
hmm… shame on me, I forgot such a good trick!
Actually I never practised a stealing, that’s why it’s not in the list.
Meanwhile, many points in this instruction are based on my own successful experience!
haha. lol permian, made me laugh
I hope that my instruction would be useful to you. I see you’re pretty damn good at making and selling music!
I’m joking, don’t be mad. I know all the top-authors already have their own similar instruction.
Also you should use long titles so your feelings can be described better. Post-rock bands can be your inspiration. For example, one of Red Sparrowes’ songs is called “And by Our Own Hand Did Every Last Bird Lie Silent in Their Puddles, the Air Barren of Song as the Clouds Drifted Away. For Killing Their Greatest Enemy, the Locusts Noisily Thanked Us and Turned Their Jaws Toward Our Crops, Swallowing Our Greed Whole.” Easy to remember, lots of purchases! They’re more famous than you for a reason.
15) Compose something with unusual pairings of instrumetns and unusual styles of songs that cross different genres.
16) Go for complexity, not simplicity. Never use the KISS (keep it simple stupid) method in your music. You are a virtuous musician and you have standards.
lol…..I love the way you have reversed the way these rules would normally be taught. This makes learning and remembering them more funny and fun!
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